Sometimes I disappear for a few days and it feels nice. I come back to the unreality of the internet to find inboxes full of dozens of messages, only to be re-depressed because none of them are actually for me. Junkmail in my e-mail inboxes. A plethora of journals in this message center. Nothing personal or aimed in my direction. It's motivation at its best. Reassurance that I wasn't missing anything and no one was missing me. Reassurance that it's okay to leave my screen saver on and my monitor off and try to find other things to occupy my time. The main reason I got online today was because it's been a while since I checked my school e-mail and that is the account this potential client of mine e-mails me at. It's been over 2 weeks since I've heard from him. I hope to never hear from him again.

The weather has taken a rainy turn. Because of this fact, it has been cool and cloudy for a few days straight making it much easier to get out and exercise. This is one of the things I've been trying to occupy my time with. Miles and miles of riding my bike. Alas, when you think about all the miles I rode and I am still here, it's a little depressing. It's almost like I'm trapped. For this reason I try not to think about it from that angle.

The precipitation and humidity have made everything sort of stale and muggy. The moisture is bringing out old smells I'd rather not smell just as the heat has been making other things smell bad more quickly. I'm also welcomed by the yearly roach infestation that happens here every summer season. They come out of the drains and crawl about in the sink and the bathtub. Others make their way into the kitchen and the bedrooms... some even make it into my bed. No matter how clean you may be, there is nothing that can make you feel like you are disgusting quite like a cockroach squirming around next to you while you're trying to sleep. The infestation also aids in the feeling of being trapped. It makes the rooms feel smaller, like the walls are caving in.

Lately I find myself trying to refresh the world with this lemon-scented body spray I keep on my computer desk. When everything starts to resemble a dirty, muggy basement I spritz it in the air and things just seem a bit cleaner -- Like smelling salts, I can feel myself wake up a bit and breathe a little easier. I spray it on my bed before I sleep so the air I breathe feels better going down.

The rain too has been refreshing. There is not much I like more than mountainesque climates. The air has been so cool and wet and [most]everything outside smells better. This has always been my favorite thing about going to the mountains, so to be able to walk out my own door and live it is fantastic. However, as lovely as the clime has been, the rain is also destructive. It hadn't rained here since the fall, I believe, so when you go without rain as long as we do here, you don't often think ahead to make sure everything is weather-proofed and protected from the moisture. This week the rain has soaked and nearly destroyed (but definitely warped) many irreplaceable pictures and other paper goods I own that were not in a water-safe place. It's just another one of those events I sigh and think "of course this would happen to me" because my moods have been as gloomy as the weather for a while now. It's been this way for years but recently my mood has been at a record low.


Bless you if you read this.